Well two days in I still can't shake the feeling I always get here. It's like it should be perfect yet other than fleeting moments of amusement I just cannot enjoy Paris the same way that I can in Barcelona or New York. I think it's because I'm still insecure about speaking french with french people for prolonged durations (aka anyone more than a clerk). I don't know.
It's so gorgeous here. I strolled down from the 18eme, which is in the far north of Paris intra-muros (within the ancient city walls, aka the main city), to the 3eme and the 4eme. (These are districts, "arrondissements" in french, btw) I meandered through them, window shopping and picking up a few books and post cards here and there. However I couldn't escape the lingering sense of ennui.
So I've finally decided, I'm an extrovert. Nice transition you say. Segues were never my thing. I always believed I was an introvert because growing up I never had many close friends that I would do things with after school, especially since my parents were divorced so I was at a different house every other night. Anyway, because I spent so much time alone I guess I got used to it, and eventually with solitude came a sense of normalcy. This continued throughout high school, especially since I was written off as the smart-kid (and ostracized as such).
However, Duke completely changed that. For the first time I found friends who captivated me and enjoyed my company as much I enjoyed theirs. Over the course of my freshman year my normal became a constant battle between studying, hanging out with my friends, and find the solitude I thought I needed. My first semester I sequestered myself away every weekend after the O-week glow wore off. But this just exacerbated my stress and made me feel like I was missing out on the best part of college, the part I so loved in the weeks following O-week. And why was I missing out? because I thought I had to have to have time to recharge, relax, refresh.
But Paris has finally convinced me (tying it all together) that I need people more than pensive reflection. While I love balayer (to stroll aimlessly), I need someone here. I'm independent enough that I'm totally fine getting by and exploring the city (I've walked about 15 miles so far), but without a companion it just becomes a lot of haussmanian facades and anecdotes.
My second semester at Duke I discovered the friends I've always wanted and began to live life with reckless abandon. And I loved every minute of it. That's why from now on I have to travel with friends, my painful experience with semi-friend travel earlier this year showed me that you can't just take anyone you know on a trip. You have to genuinely enjoy their company, and if you do you've got the best vacation of your life ahead of you (ex: read my last post).
Ultimately, it's been awesome coming to Paris and I've had a great chance to reexamine my attitudes on life and my place in the world, but I'm ready to go on to Normandie, Grasse, and Coulommiers. A city is only as good as the memories you fill it with. I need people. (Though I did spend the day with a marvelous Italian couple yesterday. Made all the more terrific by their generous gifts of food and drink).
After writing this I feel very Parisian: brooding, questioning, and rambling.
A bientot
